i kind of feel like a slut, oh God. i mean we didnt go that far, but i cant help myself to think a lot of people dont go this far. i was perfectly comfortably with making out with him, so why do i feel like a slut. ugh and hes coming over tomorrow. truth is i dont want him to right now. not tomorrow, before 3 i just dont!!!:/ why is life like this. i love him i really do, hes wonderfully amazing. gahhhh. help??

its a beautiful thing

okay me and this beautiful amazing guy are pretty much "talking" we just talked on the phone for 3 hours:) and he ended the conversation with dream of me tonight:) it practically made me want to kiss him. hahaha. im just scared out of my mind i'll screw something up with him. like if we make out and im bad. ahhahaha. but i need to go into this confident right? whatever, we cliqued. i could tell. he amazes me. but hes older. what if he goes too fast, we're seeing a movie tomorrow. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh im confused and excited, and scared.


i love it:)

ciao

it kills me to say this. but i did it. i broke up with him. we just arnt meant for eachother. hes too immature. i cant do it. and we so different. well im crying and im not even the one that got dumped. isnt that loverly. I feel like a horrible person. theres nothing else to say. i feel like im going to throw up.

who will i be, its up to me.

sooooooooooooo, i totally just woke up from the most amazing nap ever(: haha. i didnt even know i fell asleep. apparantly i got home, went straight to the couch, and crashed:D well something has really been bothering me, and i guess the main point of this is to vent your feelings so..

sometimes i just know i'm never going anywhere. i want this so bad. more than anything. but theres just so many talented musicians out there. HA i'd never stand a chance.but then again maybe i will. not knowing really makes me anxious! its anoying. you never know in the music and i dont have much time. it sounds RETARDED. but it's true, i have to get noticed soon. and i cant believe, my dad turned down that agency. that could have been my ONLY shot. the only one. and i feel like not everyone is fully behind me on this. even though they are more than ever! whats wrong with me?
Me and andrea have officially decided to go to the american idol finally. HAHA. and you can bet yur' bottem dollar:) we will be front row. i dont know hooow we are going to achieve this but, we will. it's bothering me that i have no plans tomorrow! i neeeeeeeeeeed plans, this is crazy. and guess what? i lost my cellphone. pure genious.

stupid, redneck jacobs fork.

okay, i am in desperite need to do something active. ew i hateeeeeeeeeee winter. i never get to play soccer or do ANYTHING i want to do outside. im like a couch potato in the winter, i hate it:/ as of the thing with jake. i just dont know. its not getting better, if not getting worse. today was boring to the extreme. i dont see how we can't make this retarded school any more boring:( first we had some EXTREMELY BORING diognostic crap test in math:/ it was horrible. we also had some assembly for an additional highschool we could go to if we want. it was like a school for health/science. but they showed a project this kid did on suicide. and everyone was wispering and laughing, and like acting so completely immature. sometimes i feel like im more adult than i put off. i was so embarassed to even be a part of jacobs fork.i cannot stand it here.i can barely stand any of the people here, a large majority are sooo immature, and weird, and stupid. i cant wait til foard.


update on american idol: ADAM MADE IT! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

when im with him, im thinking of you?

im so extremely insanely incredably confused. i mean i love him, i really do. hes great. we have a real connection. and i cant think of anything better than his kiss. but still, i have this feeling like there is something missing. maybe i need someone more like me? maybe i need someone else. every guy i see anywhere i start to wonder, what if i was with him? i can't compare this to anything because i feel like im doing him injustice by staying with him. but then on the other hand, i cant stand the thought of us breaking up. maybe i think too much? i dont know. i was home sick today, and this is all i thought about. i see all these couples that have this like DEEEEP emotional connection andi feel like crying. thats all i want. and still i want that with him.










last night me and my family went to visit eric in asheville:) we went to the fiddlin' pig. hahah i swear only in asheville will you have "the fiddlin' pig" on one street, and the mellow mushroom on the other. the two most redneck and hippie places ever. anyways, there was the most talented boy, i have ever seen. i honestly couldnt stop watching him. it was insane. apparently hes been playing guitar since he was three. i promise we had some eye contact;) and he was 15 so dont think im like in love with some 40 year old musician. ahh but he was so cool. i think his name was seth taylor? ah who knows.












on the bright side,
american idol is on tonight:D ahhhhhhhhh hollywood week? hells to the yes.
if adam lambert does'nt win the whole thing, i will question the point of that show.